Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Holy Crap!

I'm starting my 14th week tomorrow and am officially in the Second Trimester! ::does a little happy dance::

AND it's New Year's Eve! We have friends coming over tonight, so I'll have to start cleaning and getting everything ready as soon as I walk in the front door. I still don't know what to make them for dinner, maybe cheeseburgers? I wish DH had told me sooner that they were coming, it was sort of a last minute thing, so now I'm going crazy trying to figure everything out. Not to mention that my parents are expecting us to come over tonight and celebrate with them! Normally, I would really like to, but we spent Friday-Sunday at their house and then met up with them again on Monday, so I'm kind of burnt out. I just hope I make it to midnight! I've been falling asleep on the couch at around 8 o'clock the last few nights. I'm going to try and nap for a while before they come over so I can have a little bit of energy later on. DH is going to the store after work to get me some sparkling cider because all we have in the house is wine right now ; )

I tried to enlist DH into taking some official Start-of-the-2nd-Trimester pictures, and he was game...but I fell asleep before we could take any. LOL So here are some more self portraits. I think I might actually be able to acknowledge that there's a difference this week!

 photo BellyPic14WksA.jpg photo BellyPic14WksE-1.jpg

You know you're jealous of my maternity jeans ::giggle:: So, bloat or baby? Or does it not matter since bloat would be baby-related anyway?

Monday, December 22, 2008

I can breathe again!

I just got back from our monthly appointment and I am sooooo happy to report that everything with the little one is just great. I am totally lovfing our doctor, he gives me an ultrasound everytime I go there. It's so great and so reassuring. I was a nervous wreck yesterday, imagining the worst, and now I feel so light : )

Baby was moving all around, kicking and waving and the heartbeat sounded really strong, so I am going to really try to stop worrying about everything and have faith that all is well. I think DH is going to go ahead and get me a doppler anyway though, because he saw how I was driving myself crazy. He said that if hearing the heartbeat whenever I want will keep me calm, then he's gonna find me one. Oh how I lovf that man!

Here's the little one!

Oh, and a small confession... I had myself so panicked last night that I took my last $tree test. It was still positive! LOL

Thursday, December 18, 2008

You be the judge

So here they are, my 12 week belly pics. I seriously don't think I've popped even a little bit. I think I just look pudgy. But you can decide for yourselves.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Realizations and Venting

You know how annoying and insensitive it is when people tell you to "relax and it'll happen" while TTC? Well, I've noticed that it's just as annoying and insensitive when people tell you to relax even after the glorious BFP. I've mentioned before how nerve racking it is to have no symptoms whatsoever and the responses I've heard are:

  • Don't worry about it. Just relax and enjoy it.
Every time someone says "don't worry" or "relax", I get mad. Given my history, I can't help but worry. You can't realistically expect a woman that has had TWO miscarriages NOT to worry about her pregnancy. And if said woman is worried 24/7 that there's something wrong with her baby, she obviously cannot just sit back and enjoy the lack of symptoms. Sometimes it's like I feel too good. I don't feel pregnant at all; no nausea, no bloating, no breast tenderness, no fatigue, I'm not hormonal, the cramping and Lighting Ute have stopped, and I'm not constipated anymore. Anything and everything a pregnant woman should feel, or could feel, and I have NONE of it. I am terrified that we'll walk into the doctor's office on Monday and find out we've lost this one too. The fear keeps me up at night. I hear the term "missed miscarriage" and my chest tightens and I immediately say a prayer for our little one. The fact that I have had no spotting or severe cramping does nothing to alleviate this anxiousness. The only thing that can help me now is seeing (or hearing) that heartbeat again. I've been thinking about investing in a HiBebe doppler, but thought that I would make myself crazy obsessed with it. Now I think it would help KEEP me sane. If I'm able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want, I know I'll make it through without landing myself in the loony bin.
  • Just wait, you'll get it really bad later on!
It bugs me to no end when someone late in their pregnancy, or who has had a child recently, tells a 1st Trier to "just wait" when they worry over a lack of symptoms. How self important some people are! It's been said over and over again on GP and BOTB that everyone is different. It doesn't stop being true when you move over to 1st Tri. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. One person will not feel the exact same way, or go through the exact same things, that another did. Just because you had horrible m/s doesn't mean that everyone will have it. It's like getting unsolicited advice from strangers; you don't know another's history or circumstance, and you can't tell the future. So you don't know if insert symptom here will show up for another poster later on down the line just because it did for you. I doubt my little rant here will make this stop happening, but I had to get that off my chest.
  • I'm sure everything is fine/will be fine!
Scary things can happen during pregnancy. Awful things can happen. I don't like to tell someone "I'm sure everything is fine" or "will be fine" because I can't possibly be sure. I know it's supposed to be reassuring, but I feel like a liar if I say that to someone who is scared or worried that something is wrong with her baby. I can pray that everything is fine, but I can't be sure of anything. Just like I can't be sure that all is well with our own little one...I can only pray.

  • Consider yourself lucky
I don't consider myself lucky. I might later on down the line when I make it to 2nd Tri (praying that I make it to 2nd Tri). For now though, no, I do not feel lucky. I feel scared. I feel uneasy. I feel anxious. I feel like something must be wrong. Lucky is the last thing I feel. Please don't say this to me anymore.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hmm...I don't think so

but I could be wrong.

My parents, grandma, and DH swear that they see the belly coming in. My mom says that she started showing really early on when she was PG with me (her 1st), so I suppose it could be, but I'm skeptical. I think it's just bloat, or maybe it's just a little pudge put on from all the excellent cooking I've been enjoying lately. Maybe it would help me if I could just feel pregnant. The lack of symptoms and perceived non-baby-belly isn't doing so much for my confidence. I'm doing my darndest to stay positive and not worry, but I'm getting very anxious for my next appointment (next Monday)! I hope we get to hear the heartbeat this time around : )

Proof that I am trying to stay upbeat... I bought a couple of pairs of maternity jeans! I know, I know, you can roll your eyes and huff at me all you want, but my regular jeans were so uncomfortable. I couldn't take them digging into my stomach every time I bent over or sat down. I'm still wearing my regular work pants, they have a little more give. I've also been watching E-bay and have found a couple really good deals. I'm noticing that nice work pants are probably going to be the hardest things to acquire without spending a small fortune, so I'm starting early. Judge if you must!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

11 weeks!

The munchkin is the size of a lime this week! I'm not going to post the fruit pictures after all, seems kind of late to get started with that.

I've passed a completely symptom free week, and I have to say it freaks me out more than I let on. I am not by any means wishing to be miserable and sick all the time. And I know I should not worry about it and just enjoy feeling great...but... I need some kind of indication that the little one is still fine and just hanging out; something that says "Hey mom, it's me, I'm still here! No need to worry!" Most of the time I don't feel pregnant at all, just a little thicker in the midsection. I'm still checking for spotting every chance I get and I'm so so happy to report that there has been nothing, not a single little drop. That all by itself takes a huge weight off my mind.

My next appointment is on Monday, the 22nd. I called to find out if they would be doing an NT scan and they told me no. Since my blood work all came back normal, that I wouldn't need one. I know I should be happy that I don't need one, I just thought it was a routine thing they did anyway, so when they said I wasn't getting one I was really bummed. I was hoping to have a video of the little one moving around.

Here are my 11 week pics. The bloat went down a lot, but not all the way. I can suck in enough that there isn't any kind of bump, but I'm still needing to rubber band most of my pants closed. Someone asked me why I don't smile in these pictures: it's 'cause I feel stupid smiling at myself in the mirror. Plus, posing and holding the camera and trying not to look constipated takes all my concentration, nothing left for smiling ; )

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

So... I had a dream last night

that I went in to the doc for my "big u/s" and...get this... the machine they used was able to give us a crystal clear image of the baby's face. Like. It's actual face, not the 3d kind of image. It wasn't covered in gook or anything, and clear as if I was holding it in my arms already. AND it was a boy. AND he had DH's eyes (just like I'm hoping for). How crazy is that? I was looking into the face of my son and his eyes were open and following the light on the wand of the wonder machine. I was so pissed when my alarm clock went off this morning. I know I could've spent hours dreaming that dream! This is like the third dream I've had of "boy" and my grandma thinks it'll be a boy too (she has an uncanny ability to predict these things). Another month before we get to find out if our hunches are right!

Monday, December 8, 2008

The final milestone

Saturday, December 6th. The EDD for SweetPea. I could've been a brand new mama by now preparing our newborn for his/her first Christmas.

I had a melt down on the way home from work on Friday; I had to pull over to the side of the road 'cause I couldn't see. I think I was all cried out by the time Saturday rolled around. I took a short internet break (or else I'm sure this particular post would've been MUCH sadder) and we went over to my parents' house for dinner and to help them decorate their house. We stayed there till almost midnight putting up lights! We went and picked out our Christmas tree. I generally just kept myself as busy as possible so that I would be too distracted to think about it. It worked to a certain degree. Yesterday, my parents and baby brother came over to help me decorate since DH had to work all day. The house looks great, very festive : )

I'm so thankful for the baby we have today, even though it's hard to think that we could've been parents two times over already. We could be looking into the face our our precious one this very moment, or I could be trying my damndest not to scream bloody murder while I bring my child into the world. So many "could've beens". I pray every day that our little one is growing in there and I like to think that Peanut and SweetPea are watching over their little sister/brother and keeping her/him safe and sound. I'd better stop now before I start crying at work.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

25% done!

I'm 10 weeks today! Woot!

I've got nothing overly spectacular to write about this week, so I'll just tell you what I'm feeling.
  • The nausea has almost completely gone away, it's actually kind of nerve racking. I didn't throw up a single time. I'm hoping that I'm one of the lucky ones and it doesn't come to bite me in the butt later on.
  • My boobs only hurt if they get squished, the rest of the day they're totally fine (except for the occasional Lightning flash. They still haven't gotten any bigger : (
  • I'm exhausted all of the time. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get or if I nap during the day. I'm always tired.
  • I'm starting to get cravings. I'll think of something that sounds good and then I run out and get it. I haven't had one of those "I must have it now or someone will die" cravings, but I think it's funny that hotdogs will pop into my head on the way home from work and the next thing I know, I'm at Walmart buying hotdogs.
  • My abs feel like I've done a thousand crunches. They're so tight! The other night I couldn't stand all the way up because the pulling feeling was just too much. Go stretchy ute!
  • I've gotten some mild heartburn (thanks to said hotdogs) so I've taken to sleeping propped up on big pillows. That also helped when I was feeling nauseated, and it's much easier to get up in the morning if I'm already half way there!
  • Every little thing wakes me up at night. This is probably a major contributor to my exhaustion. I have to wear ear plugs now because I kept waking up to the slightest noise.
  • I'm getting more weepy. Every time I hear a remotely sad or sweet story, I tear up.
  • I get irritated a lot easier than before. My dogs drive me completely crazy now! They don't behave well enough for my taste. I'm trying really hard not to direct that at DH, but I still have my moments.
  • The constipation stage has started. My longest stretch so far is three and a half days. I don't like it : (
I guess that's it. Or, that's all I can think of right now... baby has stolen my brain and I easily forget things. I was going to start posting the fruit things that show how big baby is, but this weeks fruit is a prune. I don't like prunes, so I won't be doing this after all. According to my book, baby is 2.5 inches long from crown to rump. DH kind of freaked when I told him that last night. He was still thinking the babe is the size of a peanut! Wasn't that like two weeks ago? LOL

Belly pics I took this morning. I think I forgot to clean off the lens, so they came out kind of blurry. The bloat isn't so bad this week (I can actually button my pants today!) and if I press down, I *think* I can feel my ute. It's interesting.