Round 4 of Denial

I spent a couple of hours yesterday designing my Little Man's birthday invitations. I sent the completed invite to my friend in IL for her opinion and she responded with "Those are cute, but he can't possibly be 4. No way possible. I think you are lying."

LOL

I couldn't agree more. He is such an amazing little person, but it's crazy to think that at this time in 2009, I was hugely pregnant with him.

Bah! I'm getting all teary and nostalgic. I need to go find something to take my mind off of it!

Great Start!

*note sarcasm*

A couple of days after FF gave me dashed crosshairs, it took them away completely. Probably because my CM is acting weird. Normally it does what it's supposed to do when it's supposed to do it, but this month  has seen very little in the way of change and I have not noticed the EWCM at all. I took out all the CM information and FF put the dashed crosshairs back.

I dunno what to think at this point. The O day it's giving me is early compared to past charts (although, to be fair, those are nearly 4 years old), but there is a clear temp shift, so I guess I did O that day. We had good timing, so I'm tentatively crossing my fingers. I'm unsure whether I should be excited about possibly getting pg on our first cycle trying because the last time that happened, I m/c'd at 7 weeks. I'm getting heart palpitations just thinking about it.

6 DPO today. Stupid 2WW.

Already? Seriously?

I realize that this is the first cycle since taking out my IUD, but seriously? Why is FF already being a bitch? I got a pretty little set of crosshairs this morning (CD11), but I'm dubious. They don't match CM or sex drive at all and I usually have some cramping and even occasional spotting around O time. I'm 99.9% sure that they'll get moved in the next couple of days. Why even put them there FF? Why?

Update: Now a few hours later, they're dashed crosshairs! *heavy sigh* 

*Blows off the dust*

Wow. It's been a while since I visited this little corner of the interwebs. I was trying to remember a date for something and knew that I had blogged about it once before recalling that I had written about it here and not on our family blog. Coming back and reading through everything again brought back so many memories! I used to really lovf keeping this blog, plus we're finally TTC #2, so I decided to revamp it and get back into the swing of things.

I'll just do a quick update on some of the things that were left up in the air for the past, what, three years? Jeesh, this is going to be long.

First, my relationship with DH is SO.MUCH.BETTER than it was the last time I wrote. We went through an insanely rough patch, but ultimately managed to work it out and now are stronger together than I think we ever were. I think we have figured out our communication issues and lately there hasn't been anything that I've been afraid to talk to him about. He was also able to find a new job that he really likes. The company we were both working for made for steadily worse working conditions and he finally got fed up with it. Luckily, he was able to make some awesome contacts and got a job that doesn't crush his soul...

 After two years of negotiations with our bank, we did end up losing our home. We were unable to find a rental to move into, so we've been living with my parents since May 2011. We recently tried to purchase another home closer to DH's work, but financing fell through on not one, but two different houses. We're taking a break for a couple of months before heading back out there. Having our hearts broken twice in one month was just too much for us.

My mother and I are getting along better (awesome, since we live together now), but there are still those moments when I want to strangle her. There are only two IRL out-of-state friends that know that we're TTC again and I'm hoping to keep it from her completely. I'm also pretty sure that if (God forbid) I were to have another m/c, I would not tell her about it. And she will definitely not know about any pregnancy until the first trimester is over... or until I can't hide it anymore...

I became an official Auntie in January! My little brother and his wife had a little girl who is just the most adorable thing in the world. Talk about sending my baby fever into overdrive! So now I have three precious little ones to lovf on besides my own :)

My little sister ended up coming to her senses and dumped that cheating SOB from Cali. She was discharged from the army because she injured her back pretty badly and is now married to a great guy and is living in Colorado. Although, they may be moving to AZ soon as they're both applying for positions within their company to come here. I am so.beyond.excited! It has been yeeeeaaaaarrrrrssss since we've lived in the same place. I really miss her.

My baby brother joined the Marines and graduated boot camp in January. He's currently in training at 29 Palms. I miss him every day. I'm close with all my siblings, but we have a special connection and not having him around has been really hard for me. The only comfort is knowing that he's living his dream and I wouldn't dare take that away from him. He is also my Little Man's favorite uncle (shh, not supposed to say that out loud) so he's always asking for him. He's supposed to be getting some leave time for Memorial Day weekend. Praying that nothing happens to keep him away.

Our little guy has changed so much since the last time I wrote about him. He's not only a full time walker *LOL*, but pretty much runs everywhere. And boy, is he fast! An accident while on vacation claimed one of his front teeth when he was two, so he's had a gap there for a while. He can speak in full sentences, and is talking A LOT. He even talks to his Aunties on Skype now instead of just staring at them :) He is big into UmiZoomi and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and is still totally obsessed with water. He'll be four in about five weeks and we're planning to have an early birthday party over Memorial Day weekend because all of my siblings will actually be in one place! Woohoo!

That's all for now. So happy to be back :)

Still Alive

These past couple of months have been filled with some serious drama and craptastic happenings. Which is why I haven't posted since July. Other than my sweet little guy, there is nothing very little going on in my life that makes me want to post.

I suppose I'll start this post off with some nice things though.

Since we last met, I became an Auntie again. My bestest friend had her 2nd son, Andrew. He's the cutest little thing! And my Little Man:

• Has become a full time walker/part time runner. When he gets going, he holds his arms out to his sides and looks like ET.

• Drinks from a straw.
• Dropped Mama from his vocabulary (which makes me really sad). I know it'll come back, but for now, I'm known as Dada. So not fair.
• Says "dog" and lovfs to pet them. He'll chase after them if they run away.

• Pretty much mastered his shape sorting toy. His little face while trying to figure them out is amazing to watch.
• Has become very interested in books.

• Waves goodbye to everyone. It's so damn cute.
• Likes to help with the laundry. And by "help," I mean take the clothes from the basket and throw them on the floor. Then put it all back in the basket.

• Grabs a rag and helps Mama clean.

• Went through a phase where he shook his head no to every.single.question. He's now starting to grab the concept of "yes".
• Tries to brush his own hair, even though there really isn't enough to brush.
• Dances to other things than the That 70's Show intro.
• Moved up to size 4 diapers.
• Has six teeth. Four on top and two on the bottom.

• Completely come off the boob! We were nursing only in the morning for a couple of months, but his latch changed with the new teeth and became extremely painful. Now he has a bottle in the morning when he wakes up and then goes back to sleep for an hour or two. It's glorious!
• Knows how to put his arms into the sleeves of his shirt. Mama just has to hold them open for him.
• Fits into 6-9 month shirts, has a 12 month waist, and 18 month length. Dressing him is easy now because it's still so hot, so he's in shorts, but we'll have a problem once winter gets here. All the pants that fit his long legs fall off his butt, and the ones that fit around the waist are high-waters. I think I might need to crochet up some type of little belt for him. The cost of baby belts is ridiculous.
• Had his first pool experience.

• LOVFS getting scared. I'll hide behind a chair and jump out at him and he'll screeeeam and laugh and run away. Then we do it again. And again. And again. It's AWESOME.
• Stops whatever he's doing and turns to watch TV whenever the Progressive commercials come on. He lovfs Flo!
• Is still a little cuddle bug, which I LOVF!

I suppose that's all for the happy stuff. You may as well stop reading now if you're in a happy mood, 'cause I'm about to ruin it.



No? Still here?



Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Let me start off by updating on M and I. I really wish I could say that things are all better and we're doing just great, but that would be a lie. There have been more than a few times when I've cried myself to sleep, or cried in the shower, or cried putting away the laundry while he's downstairs watching tv. I've tried again and again to talk to him about things, but we somehow always manage to end up in a screaming match. I've been labled a Dream Crusher. Seriously. He actually said that because I told him that I don't want him to trade his project car for a motorcylce. It's not that I don't want him to have the things he wants, but the thought of him on one of those things scares me to death (especially since he's already wrecked one)! He's even said that he hates me sometimes. That one stemmed from me not helping him change a diaper... yeah... I'll let that sink in for a minute. And no, it wasn't a blow out or anything that would warrant the need for help, it was a typical poopy diaper. I can't even put into words how much that hurt. The most fucked up thing about the whole thing is that once he's done yelling a me, it's done. He doesn't want to hear me anymore. Then an hour later, it's like it never happened. He's back to talking about work or something he saw on tv and even expects a kiss goodnight. I'm starting to wonder if he isn't bi-polar or something. I want desperately to talk to someone about everything, but our insurance sucks so bad that they won't cover it. So I'm basically left on my own, to just deal with it. And I admit that it isn't working very well.

We're also on the verge of losing our home. We bought near the top of the market in 2007 and it's now worth less than half of what we paid. M's pay was cut by about 25% and then I got laid off. He's been "looking" for a better paying job since February, but has only gone on two interviews (one of which was Wednesday morning). He told me when I was pregnant that he'd do everything in his power to keep me home with Little Man, but he hasn't. It's only now that our lender is throwing words like short sale and deed in lieu at us that he has said anything about taking a 2nd job. At this point though, it's not going to help. And I know what you're thinking, "maybe YOU should go back to work." Well you can suck it. I'm am looking. Just not having any luck. And even if I do find something, I doubt it will help much. I would have to find a crazy phenomenal job. One that would cover the difference in our payment AND pay for daycare. I'm doubting that such a job exists. It might have been possible if they hadn't cut his pay so substantially, but now... not so much. Maybe I'll get a miracle.

In preparation for losing or home, I've been looking for another place we can live. I came upon Zillow and found that there are a couple of smaller houses in our neighborhood that are for sale. The monthly payment on those homes would literally be 75% lower than our payment. We could TOTALLY afford that on just M's salary. But with a short sale on our credit, no bank will touch us for TWO YEARS. I talked to four different banks to see if they would help us, and they basically said that someone else would have to buy us the house because they wouldn't give us a loan. I cried again. Then I started looking for apartments. The apartments I found that would be in the same monthly price range as those houses are disgusting! It is making me ill to think that we'll have to live in some crap-hole apartment for TWO YEARS paying the same amount in rent that we could easily pay for our own beautiful home in a nice neighborhood. ILL. I can't go two hours without crying. I'm stressed and depressed and can't think of a way to make it right.

So yeah. This is my life.