Monday, July 28, 2008

The dreaded "R" word...

And DH said it! Arrrggghhh!

The company I work for got bought out by a competitor and none of us know for sure if we'll have jobs when all is said and done. I've interviewed with the people from the other company and feel pretty confident that I'll be ok, but you just never know...ya know? This, obviously, is causing me much stress and worry and I've noticed lately that I've been losing more hair than usual and told DH about it. His response?

"You just need to RELAX about this baby thing. You're making yourself crazy."

My answer: "Who said anything about babies?"

Monday, July 21, 2008

What do you mean it's DISGUSTING?

Ok, I get that what goes on in the female body is a bit of a mystery to guys, and I guess some of it can be gross, but do you really have to tell me that it's disgusting?

I was trying to explain to DH about CM the other night (because he asked!) and he kept saying over and over how disgusting it was. Um, excuse me, but it never seemed to bother you before you knew what it was! He even asked that I tell him when "it gets all stretchy" so that he can stay out of the area. Sorry babe, but that would be counter-productive to our ultimate goal. Why does he ask if he doesn't want to know? And truth be told, I was a little hurt that he would say what my body does naturally is disgusting.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

20 weeks

I fucking hate milestones like this.

I should be 20 weeks today. I should've heard the heartbeat a few times by now and have a stack of ultrasound pictures. I should know the sex of my baby. I should be able to feel him/her kicking away. I should be picking out bedding for the crib and painting the nursery. I should be complaining about how the heat makes my ankles swell. I should be missing sushi and alcohol.

I should still be pregnant.

But I'm not. Instead of realizing that I'm half way to meeting my child, I'm reliving that day 13 weeks ago when we found out our baby was gone. I keep flashing back to the emergency room and remembering the pain of the loss. Not just the wrenching psychological pain, but the physical pain as well, I could swear that I'm feeling it all again. I spent today trying to avoid thinking of it. I slept till noon and then immediately turned on the television. I played with my dogs. I took a nap that I didn't need. When DH got home I cooked a huge dinner. And then I went to pee, and BAM. I find EWCM. Just an interesting little reminder that while I'm not pregnant anymore, there's a chance that I might be again in the near future. It was weird, the mix of emotion I felt. I'm glad it's here, but I'm pissed that instead of working on a baby, I'm sitting in front of this computer blogging because DH decided to be difficult. "I want to take a shower first". Fine. But his showers are usually preceded by a half hour on the toilet. If I'm lucky, he'll remember what I asked for BEFORE he passes out in bed.

I'm so glad today is almost over. I'm almost wishing that Monday would get here sooner so that I would have something to distract me from all this crap.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Anyone wanna trade?

Mothers I mean, I don't think I can handle mine anymore. I don't know why I still get surprised at the things she does, it's become practically predictable. She called me down to her cube to give me something. I thought it was food so I went down. Turned out to be this:

Yep, a booklet full of crochet patterns for babies. Really? I mean, really?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Bib

This is the bib I made for my Godson : )

I'm gonna be a Godmother!

My BFF asked me to be her baby's Godmother! I'm over the moon right now! : )

I wonder how it'll work though, don't I have to be there for the baptism? I live two states away and the plane fare is horrendous. I guess these are details that will be worked out in the near future, so for now I'll just sit here and be happy.

Monday, July 7, 2008

My holiday weekend

My BFF arrived on Wednesday with her hubby and baby. That kid is so cute he made my ute cry. I was so excited that they actually came, I was convinced that something would keep them away again. This is like the third time that they planned to make the trip. I was so happy to see her; we can go a year without laying eyes on each other. I spent almost the entire time trying to convince them that they absolutely HAD to move to Arizona. BFF is convinced, but her hubby is a little hesitant. I understand why...he's a complete mama's boy and never does anything without her approval. Well, he's actually gotten a lot better with that since the last time I saw him, but I doubt he's loosened the hold enough to move so far away. They currently live 10 minutes from their house. Something that BFF simply loves *insert eye roll*.

I had them all to myself on Thursday. We went and looked at a bunch of model homes and I took them to In-N-Out ('cause they don't have one in Texas' Butthole). But for the most part we hung around the house and watched TV. A breastfeeding 4 month old dictated that we could only leave the house in two hour increments. It was alright though, while we were sitting around I made him a bib that says "My Aunt Jennie ♥s Me". Took a photo, but don't have my camera with me right now, so I'll have to post it later. I also started a little teddy bear for him, but those usually take a while, so he wasn't finished by the time they left.
This is the stock photo, the one I made is yellow : )

For anyone wondering, she did ask about our TTC plans and I did tell her about the MCs. She reacted just the way I needed her to. None of the overly optimistic crap that a lot of people spew. She said she was sorry, asked if we'd be trying again, and left it alone. She did want to know why I hadn't told her before, but was understanding when I told her that it wasn't exactly something I wanted to advertise. Other than my internet buds, only a few people IRL know about it.

DH and I dragged them out to my parents house on the 4th. I would've caught all kinds of hell if we didn't bring them over. Not because they wanted to see BFF and her H, but because they wanted to see the baby. My mother promptly kidnapped him and wouldn't let him go. No one else got to hold him that day. My brother and SIL came out too and brought their wedding photos for BFF to see (she was supposed to be in the wedding but was too far along to be able to travel safely). We were sitting around the computer, and my mother (while holding baby) reached out and started caressing my cheek. Now, it might have been PMS starting up, or it could've been that I'm a little sensitive to stuff like this, but it pissed me off. And when I say pissed, I mean PISSED. I could just see the thoughts going through her head and it made me want to scream and kick and throw stuff. She can't wait for me to have a baby. She can't wait to be a grandma. She just knows I'll be a fabulous mother. She can't wait till she can come hijack my kid for the weekend and make no apologies for it. I tried to bite her hand. No, seriously, I tried.

I'm sure that for the most part, all of these things will happen, and they're probably true. But I still can't deal with her rose colored glasses. It's stuff like this that reminds me that she has forgotten all about the miscarriage. All she has in her head is the end of the journey, not the journey itself. It reminds me that after the initial shock of it wore off, she never gave it another thought. She has no idea what I'm going through, has no idea that while I would be ecstatic to be pregnant again, I would also be terrified. And she has no idea because she doesn't talk to me about it. She has put it behind her and refuses to look at it again. This is why I was pissed. In my mind, she has no right to be so sure. I'm not that sure, why does she get to be? I read a statistic somewhere that says I have a 28% chance of a third miscarriage. That may not sound like a significant number to some, but 28% to me is huge.

When it got dark we went and watched a fireworks display and then immediately went home.

I was hoping that my brother and SIL would come over to our house so we could hang out together, you know, without the "old people" hanging around. And without my mother there to look at me with her big goo goo eyes. I got half my wish. They came over, but they also had the parents with them. Fabulous. Another day of not being able to hold the baby. Another day of the heavy sighs and exclamations of "Oh goodness, I made him laugh again! I'm so good at this!" Another day of wanting to rip my hair out. I got some unexpected relief when my brother decided he wanted to order the UFC fight. I don't usually watch them, but I did this time. And I got to let out some of my aggression living vicariously through the fighters.

They packed up and left on Sunday morning, but were soon replaced by my brother and SIL. They came by and had some steak with us before heading back to CA.

Now I'm avoiding my mother. I don't want to talk to her right now as I'm sure she'll be full of stuff to say about babies. Not that I don't want to talk about babies; I just don't want to talk about them with her.

Oh, and I've had a sharp temp drop and spotting over the last couple days, so I'm 99.9% sure that I'm out this cycle.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

New Cousin

My uncle's girlfriend had a baby boy over Father's Day weekend. Welcome Baby! Welcome to the Lifetime drama that will be your life. This poor kid has been born into a soap opera of gargantuan proportions; it's really not fair. It's too complicated to go into detail (I could never do it justice anyway), but the jist of it is:

My uncle is still married.

Yep, he's married and has a daughter, and now he's got a Baby Mama and a son. The situation is bad enough, but the woman he's married to is crazy. She's a gold-digging, lying, self-centered bitch (I kind of understand why he cheated on her) and the whole family warned him off of her when they first got together. But hell, what do they know anyway? Neither of them is the victim in this relationship, she never even attempted to keep him happy after she trapped him into marriage by getting pregnant. Which brings up an irony; his wife had the gaul to call the other woman a whore and her son a bastard because she got pregnant out of wedlock... um, Pot, meet Kettle. But I digress. This thing puts the whole family in a predicament. On one hand, we still have to keep his wife and daughter in our lives and love them (well, at least love the daughter), but now we're also forced to accept this new woman and her kid because they're family too. Awkward to say the least. And of course, we're traitors in the wife's eyes because we're not shunning them.

I'm not even sure if there's a point to this post, I just needed to get it out of my system.