Thursday, April 29, 2010

Awards : )

Thank you Mitzi, I really needed something to make me smile : )

Here are the rules...
1) Post where you want to be in 10 years
2) Pass it on to 10 fellow bloggers

10 years from now I hope to be happily married with two of the cutest kids ever conceived. Little Man will be almost 11 and will hopefully have a 9 year old sibling running after him. And I'll be almost 38! I hope we'll be a lot more financially secure than we are today and I would really lovf it if we could have at least a couple major international vacations under our belts.

Ok so here are the rules:
Accept and thank the person who gave it to you!
List 10 things about yourself
List 5 additional things you DON'T like about yourself
Then pick ten people to give this lovely award to!

About Me:

1. I am a list maker. I have lists for everything from groceries to home improvement projects I want to tackle.
2. DH and I met at work and dated in secret for three months before anyone found out. Then they transferred me and wrote him up (he was my boss). Woops!
3. I get panic attacks. Like often. There were even a couple that I had to go to the ER for; my heart was beating so fast. Very scary stuff.
4. I find ironing very soothing. I know, I'm weird.
5. I have insanely bad teeth (they're not gross or anything, I do take care of them). It's genetic. Every time I sit down in the dentist's chair I need a root canal or some other major procedure. By the time all is said and done, I'll probably have a mouthful of caps.
6. I lovf, lovf, lovf dogs. I have three now. But as much as I lovf them, I will never again have this many. It's just too much craziness. Once these guys pass on, our household will be limited to one.
7. I'm a sucker for antiques. We have pieces ranging from the 1920's to the 1960's. The only modern furniture we have is our couch and bedroom set, and everything in the baby's room, but that's only because of safety issues. We're currently on the lookout for an antique bedroom set.
8. I used to dye my hair red. It was red for a good year before I came to my senses. (ETA: red hair is in no way, shape, or form bad. It was just really bad on me!)
9. I lovf shellfish; clams, mussels, shrimp, crabs, all of it. So good ::drool::
10. I'm getting a tattoo next month. I've wanted to get one for a really long time and have decided that it's finally time. I just wish the artist I want to do it wasn't booked solid for 2 months! I'm going all in too, nothing small or hidden, I'm thinking a piece at least as big as my hand is long and right smack between my shoulder blades.

Things I Hate About Me:

1. My ears. They stick out and I think they look stupid. They're almost always covered because I don't like to wear my hair up.
2. That I've all but given up on losing weight. I hurt my neck so stopped exercising. It's felt better for weeks, but I haven't returned to my schedule.
3. That I'm not motivated. I started a business that has limitless potential, but I can't seem to get off my ass and make something of it.
4. I allow negative people to effect me in ways that I shouldn't allow them to.
5. I've killed every plant I've ever had. I really try not to kill them, I lovf plants, but my thumb is black. Very black.

I would like to give both awards to:

Mrs. Foreste
Sarah C
Kelly and Natalie
The Pacheco's

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Giving up pretenses

I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I just don't have the time or motivation to blog as much as I used to. I'm am still going to continue to do it; I can't promise even weekly posts, but I will try

So my little guy turned 10 months two weeks ago and is continuing to amaze and surprise me on a daily basis. He now:
  • Freely climbs stairs (when we let him).
  • Has 2 1/2 teeth. The two top ones are fully visible and there's a third coming in on the bottom, but it's still a teeny nubby.
  • Can feed himself using the pincer grab and he's eating all kinds of different table foods.
  • Says "dada," "mama," "dog," "good," and a word that could be "tickle" but ends in m, so sounds like "tickum."
  • Waves hello and goodbye.
  • Gives the best slobbery sloppy baby kisses : )
  • Is a super fast crawler.
  • Is cruising like a champ and pulling up on anything that'll stand still (and some things that won't; including the dogs).
  • Is totally fascinated with the dogs' bowls (much to mama's dismay).
The changes I see in my baby lately are nothing short of mind boggling. I am totally in lovf with the little person he's becoming and I can't wait to see what he comes up with next!

I spent the better part of an hour trying to get his monthly photo taken and the one at the top of the post is the best I could get. The other ones all look like this:

I'm also considering surrendering the 341. I have a lot of pictures to upload, but 1) that takes a whole bunch of time and 2) I don't have one for every day, so I'd be cheating anyway.

What follows is nothing but sadness, ranting, and getting shiz off my chest. Consider yourself warned:

Lately, it seems like I'm doing it all on my own. I can't ask DH to put the baby down for the night. Or change his diaper. Or feed him his dinner. Or even keep an eye on him for a second so I can go to the bathroom. For the last few weeks, if I so much as suggest that DH take the baby so that I can have an hour of me-time I get an eye roll at the very least, or I get my head bitten off and railed at because he's been working all day. He just got home. He needs some time to himself! And on his days off, he doesn't want to spend time with us. It's his DAY OFF, so he wants to go walk around the junk yard or play with his car in the garage by himself. I can't remember the last time I had time to do something for myself by myself. I can't even go get a pedicure! Srsly, my toes are nasty y'all. But I can't do it because he's tired and doesn't want to take care of his own kid for a couple of hours!

When we were "newly" PG, he would look around at the guys he knew, the ones that weren't helping their SOs with the kids, or the house, or whatever, and he would talk some serious smack. He would always tell me how he would be more helpful than that guy or he would do this or do that. He's not exactly keeping up on any of that. And where it used to be so important to him that I stay home, now it's something that he throws in my face.

Before we even thought about getting pregnant, DH and I agreed that I would stay home with our kids. We both expressed how important it was to each of us that I be able to do this and he said that he would do whatever it took, up to and including getting a second job to keep me home. Fast forward to me actually being home, and now everything has changed. Well. It's changed for him. We're facing a cut in his pay so he's been looking for a new job. The thing about that is, he's not finding anything that will pay what he thinks he's worth and he refuses to entertain any job offer that doesn't come close to his number. Fine. Whatever. He is definitely worth the big bucks. But that second job thing from before...? Not an option anymore. He won't even consider it, even if it means we can't pay our mortgage! I know how much of a sacrifice it would be for all of us, him especially, but I was made a promise and now I feel like he's breaking it. But get this: he's ready to drop everything we have built in AZ and go running back to CA because there's a "possible" job opportunity there. He doesn't have any kind of assurances, but he's willing to pull up roots on a possibility.

That scares the hell out of me.

But I can't have an opinion, because I don't bring any money home. He's making all the financial decisions now because I don't contribute to the bank account. And every time we discuss finances, it's always "his" money that "I" use. Nevermind that we would've already lost the house if it hadn't been for me saving a whole mess of money before I got laid off. Nevermind that I've been keeping the family books since forever. Nevermind that I have a much better head for numbers than he does and I've managed to keep us debt free (not including house or car) our whole married life. I've been demoted from wife/mother of his child to freeloader/baby mama.

I've been feeling pretty low lately. It seems like I can't do anything right. Little Man fell off the bed and ever since then I've heard about how I need to watch him more closely and how I need to be more diligent. If we're all home together, he'll make snarky little remarks and ask me if I know where my kid is and what he's doing. It makes me feel like my own husband is calling me a bad mother. My dinners aren't even good enough. It used to be that he didn't care what we were having for dinner, and everything was delicious, but now he has a negative comment for everything. So I'm a bad cook. The bathrooms aren't clean enough. The floor needs to be vacuumed (for the 4th time this week). The bedroom is in shambles. The laundry is piling up. The dishes are overrunning the sink. And evidently, I live in squalor.

Um... none of this is true. I am by no means a neat-freak, but my house is always presentable. At least the downstairs is. If someone decided to come over and I had 10 minutes notice, I can look around my house and be comfortable with them coming over. But I guess that's not good enough.

The worst part of it is that I can't talk to him about any of it. He flies off the handle at the slightest provocation (even if it's only perceived, which 99.9% of the time, it is). I can't talk to him about money, I can't talk to him about my feelings, I can't talk to him about needing help if I'm feeling overwhelmed. He's in control of the money ::scoff::. And my feelings are not valid. And how could I possibly need help? All I do is lay around the house all day and change an occasional dirty diaper...
Frustrated doesn't begin to describe how I feel lately. I wish I had friends that lived close to me. I need serious hug : (

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

An Icky Confession

Even with 10 months of diaper changing experience, I still manage to stick my fingers in poo at least a couple times a week. Not on purpose (duh), but it always seems to happen. Being a mom is so glamorous ; )

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Aw crap

Little Man just climbed a stair... ::adds safety gates to the shopping list::