Thursday, June 26, 2008

Frustration?

I have it.

FF moved my crosshairs to CD13, which means that I am, once again, 3DPO. It feels like Groundhog Day, I have to do 3DPO all over again. Booooo!!!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Crosshairs!!!

My first set of crosshairs on CD12, I'm so excited! I'm officially in the 2WW : )

Monday, June 23, 2008

Charting

I knew I'd be walking the line bordering crazy when I decided to give charting a chance. Now I realize that sanity-wise, this may not be such a good idea. (Disclaimer: I know I will be grateful for the information later and that charting will help me understand my body better :P) Four days into my first month I was already staring at my chart trying to glean information from it that it was in no position to give. In the back of my mind, I knew that four temperatures could tell me nothing, but that didn't stop me from looking at it over and over and over again.

Now I'm sitting here on CD13 wondering when the cross-hairs are going to appear. No, obessesing over when they're going to appear is more accurate. I entered my temp this morning and FF gave me two little colored boxes on the calendar; one pink and one green. I know this means something important. I know this is information that will help me. Do I want to go ahead and find out what it is? No. At least, not right this minute. It will only give me something new to obsess over.

If I'm reading my chart correctly (and I like to think that I am), I'll be O'ing soon; maybe already did, and I feel confident that we timed our sex right. So why am I feeling so damned paranoid about it? I literally think about sex fifty times a day, probably way more than DH does on his best day. I try to reassure him that I'm jumping on him because I want to, and I do, but "Baby! Baby! Baby!" is flashing through my head no matter what, whether it's CD4 or CD25. I think he thinks that I'm just using him for his body at this point (LOL).

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ahem

Allow me to direct your attention to the right side of my blog. I decided to include my journal from my last pregnancy. But don't read it to the end if you're in a good mood. It will probably ruin it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Well isn't that nice?

DH just called to let me know that my mother sent him a text message wishing him a Happy Father's Day. He thinks it's weird because he's "not actually a father." I'm not sure how I feel about it, especially considering that Mother's Day was hellacious for me and I didn't get so much as a sympathetic look.

Curious.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

And who are you?

Background: my daddy owns a dental office so I know everyone that works there. Today there was someone new. I introduced myself and found out that he's temping for a few days while one of the girls is out on vacation. He assisted the doctor with my crown delivery today.

I'm sitting in the chair and this is our conversation:

Him: "Are you married?"
Me: "Yes"
Him: "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No"
Him: "How old are you?"
Me: Thinking this is really none of his business, but I answer anyway, "25"
Him: "What are you waiting for? You know your dad wants to be a grandpa already."
Me: Awkward laugh

Luckily, the doctor stuck his little mirror in my mouth right after that, so I couldn't answer even if I wanted to. Why am I fielding questions about TTC from a guy I just met?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

CD 1

I'm happy to say that AF is here in force, and just 'cause she's so nice, she decided to show two days early. Oh, and she brought her friends Crampy and Bloaty. Being on BC for so long, I had forgotten just how painful my periods are. I was roused at 2:30 and again at 4:00, and even with the heating pad going, I couldn't calm them down enough to get some good sleep. Midol helps, I love Midol, I feel almost normal now.

I took my first temp today too, so my adventures in charting have begun. When I figure out how to link FF to this page, I'll do that.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Gah!

I’m so upset today; I need to put this down so that I can order my thoughts and maybe get some work done today.

It’s bad enough that I have to deal with the devastation of losing my baby at seven weeks. It’s bad enough that I have to relive that experience every day. And I do! I think about it all the time, it’s not something that is so easily forgotten. Unless of course, you’re my mother. I debated long and hard before deciding to bring her in on what was happening; I rationalized it by thinking that I would get some much needed sympathy and support from her. Little did I know that she would forget all about it some two or three days later and from then on never again let it enter her thoughts. She acted like such a brat on Mother’s Day. That was the day that we were planning to announce our news to everyone. It was so carefully planned out. I even managed to lure my little brother and his wife out so they could be there. Mom KNEW all this, she KNEW that we were making our announcement that weekend because I told her about it after the miscarriage, but again, all is forgotten with her. She pranced around all day and night acting like the little Queen Bee. Daddy HAD to keep reminding me that I was in charge of making all the other kids cook and clean so that Queen Bee wouldn’t have to lift a finger. I had to deal with her acting like a spoiled little teenage girl and resist the urge to hurl heavy objects at her head. I had to keep telling myself to calm down and that screaming at her wouldn’t help anyone. It’s not like I was expecting her to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, I wasn’t expecting gifts or anything, but a little recognition would have been nice. A little bit of acknowledgment and empathy that this day of all days was super hard for me would have been nice, but she acted like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. I had trouble even getting out of bed that day. I wanted to curl into a little ball, pull the covers over my head, and bury myself. Now looking back, I wish I had done just that because now the memory of that day will always be intertwined with the heartache of remembering my miscarriage.

I thought that I had been doing so well. I still think about it every day, but it doesn’t destroy me like it used to. I can react to a BFP announcement with congratulations and excitement. I can look at new babies now and not start crying. I can watch shows that have pregnant women and new mothers and not sink into that pit of despair. I thought I had gotten past the point where just the mention of pregnancy would send me reeling. But yesterday; yesterday was not one of those days. I thought that I was just going to lunch with my mother. I was wrong. She tells me, "When we got home yesterday, your sister asked if you were pregnant yet. She thinks you're trying every day now. She really wants you to be pregnant, I want you to be pregnant, shoot, you want you to be pregnant. She's so funny." Yeah, she's hilarious. Thanks for the reminder that I should be in my 14th week right now. Its comments like this that make me want to scream in her face “How can you be so insensitive?! Don’t you have ANY idea what I’m going through right now? Don’t you know how incredibly hard it is for me? You stand there and talk about babies like nothing ever happened, what is wrong with you?! I had a miscarriage! I LOST MY BABY! In 26 weeks, when I should have a perfect little baby, guess what, I will have NOTHING!” I used to believe that she could read me well, it always seemed it like before, she could tell when I was upset or sad, but when the subject of children comes up, she gets all glassy eyed and starts going on and on about what a great mother I’m going to be and how she can’t wait to be a grandma. She asked me very seriously once “The next time you get pregnant, are you going to keep it a secret again?” My answer, “I just came down here for a breakfast burrito.” She manages to take me off guard every time. No promises mom, but if I had to give you an answer right now, I’d say “Hell yes.” After everything that’s happened, you’ll be lucky to find out before the second trimester starts.

The reason I’m so upset TODAY is I called and talked to a lady I used to work with in California and found out from her that my mother has been blabbing that DH and I are trying. I cannot freaking believe that she’s telling people about this! She’s telling CO-WORKERS about this! Why do these people need to know what’s going on in our sex life? Why does she think it’s ok to discuss this at all? I asked her not to tell my Grandma! But I guess it’s my fault because I didn’t expressly forbid her from telling the people we work with. Grandma can’t know, but feel free to talk about it with Joe in the next cube, I’m sure he’ll be ecstatic.

I so regret telling her anything. I wish she didn’t know about the miscarriage. I wish she didn’t know that we’re trying. I wish she would mind her own damn business and leave me be. The best support I’ve gotten so far is from my husband and my internet friends. Strangers on an internet forum have been there for me and have better supported me than my own mother. Women that I will probably never meet in real life can bring me out of the biggest funk, can lead me through the tears, and can make me laugh when all I feel is sadness. It is these women I turn to when the darkness is overwhelming. Not to my mom but to strangers. This is so sad on so many levels, but I count myself blessed that at very least I can count on them.

First One!

After reading many, many blogs belonging to the wonderful women of GP, I have decided at long last to follow the crowd and create my own blog. This is not my only blog, I have another that I maintain for the benefit of family and friends. For some reason, they like us enough to want to keep abreast of the latest happenings in our lives. I would prefer it though, if they didn't have any clue that DH and I have finally decided that we are in that place and are ready for children. I don't want them reading up on the latest sack session and counting down the days with me until AF is supposed to show her ugly face.

So here I go!