Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Giving up pretenses

I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I just don't have the time or motivation to blog as much as I used to. I'm am still going to continue to do it; I can't promise even weekly posts, but I will try

So my little guy turned 10 months two weeks ago and is continuing to amaze and surprise me on a daily basis. He now:
  • Freely climbs stairs (when we let him).
  • Has 2 1/2 teeth. The two top ones are fully visible and there's a third coming in on the bottom, but it's still a teeny nubby.
  • Can feed himself using the pincer grab and he's eating all kinds of different table foods.
  • Says "dada," "mama," "dog," "good," and a word that could be "tickle" but ends in m, so sounds like "tickum."
  • Waves hello and goodbye.
  • Gives the best slobbery sloppy baby kisses : )
  • Is a super fast crawler.
  • Is cruising like a champ and pulling up on anything that'll stand still (and some things that won't; including the dogs).
  • Is totally fascinated with the dogs' bowls (much to mama's dismay).
The changes I see in my baby lately are nothing short of mind boggling. I am totally in lovf with the little person he's becoming and I can't wait to see what he comes up with next!

I spent the better part of an hour trying to get his monthly photo taken and the one at the top of the post is the best I could get. The other ones all look like this:

I'm also considering surrendering the 341. I have a lot of pictures to upload, but 1) that takes a whole bunch of time and 2) I don't have one for every day, so I'd be cheating anyway.

What follows is nothing but sadness, ranting, and getting shiz off my chest. Consider yourself warned:

Lately, it seems like I'm doing it all on my own. I can't ask DH to put the baby down for the night. Or change his diaper. Or feed him his dinner. Or even keep an eye on him for a second so I can go to the bathroom. For the last few weeks, if I so much as suggest that DH take the baby so that I can have an hour of me-time I get an eye roll at the very least, or I get my head bitten off and railed at because he's been working all day. He just got home. He needs some time to himself! And on his days off, he doesn't want to spend time with us. It's his DAY OFF, so he wants to go walk around the junk yard or play with his car in the garage by himself. I can't remember the last time I had time to do something for myself by myself. I can't even go get a pedicure! Srsly, my toes are nasty y'all. But I can't do it because he's tired and doesn't want to take care of his own kid for a couple of hours!

When we were "newly" PG, he would look around at the guys he knew, the ones that weren't helping their SOs with the kids, or the house, or whatever, and he would talk some serious smack. He would always tell me how he would be more helpful than that guy or he would do this or do that. He's not exactly keeping up on any of that. And where it used to be so important to him that I stay home, now it's something that he throws in my face.

Before we even thought about getting pregnant, DH and I agreed that I would stay home with our kids. We both expressed how important it was to each of us that I be able to do this and he said that he would do whatever it took, up to and including getting a second job to keep me home. Fast forward to me actually being home, and now everything has changed. Well. It's changed for him. We're facing a cut in his pay so he's been looking for a new job. The thing about that is, he's not finding anything that will pay what he thinks he's worth and he refuses to entertain any job offer that doesn't come close to his number. Fine. Whatever. He is definitely worth the big bucks. But that second job thing from before...? Not an option anymore. He won't even consider it, even if it means we can't pay our mortgage! I know how much of a sacrifice it would be for all of us, him especially, but I was made a promise and now I feel like he's breaking it. But get this: he's ready to drop everything we have built in AZ and go running back to CA because there's a "possible" job opportunity there. He doesn't have any kind of assurances, but he's willing to pull up roots on a possibility.

That scares the hell out of me.

But I can't have an opinion, because I don't bring any money home. He's making all the financial decisions now because I don't contribute to the bank account. And every time we discuss finances, it's always "his" money that "I" use. Nevermind that we would've already lost the house if it hadn't been for me saving a whole mess of money before I got laid off. Nevermind that I've been keeping the family books since forever. Nevermind that I have a much better head for numbers than he does and I've managed to keep us debt free (not including house or car) our whole married life. I've been demoted from wife/mother of his child to freeloader/baby mama.

I've been feeling pretty low lately. It seems like I can't do anything right. Little Man fell off the bed and ever since then I've heard about how I need to watch him more closely and how I need to be more diligent. If we're all home together, he'll make snarky little remarks and ask me if I know where my kid is and what he's doing. It makes me feel like my own husband is calling me a bad mother. My dinners aren't even good enough. It used to be that he didn't care what we were having for dinner, and everything was delicious, but now he has a negative comment for everything. So I'm a bad cook. The bathrooms aren't clean enough. The floor needs to be vacuumed (for the 4th time this week). The bedroom is in shambles. The laundry is piling up. The dishes are overrunning the sink. And evidently, I live in squalor.

Um... none of this is true. I am by no means a neat-freak, but my house is always presentable. At least the downstairs is. If someone decided to come over and I had 10 minutes notice, I can look around my house and be comfortable with them coming over. But I guess that's not good enough.

The worst part of it is that I can't talk to him about any of it. He flies off the handle at the slightest provocation (even if it's only perceived, which 99.9% of the time, it is). I can't talk to him about money, I can't talk to him about my feelings, I can't talk to him about needing help if I'm feeling overwhelmed. He's in control of the money ::scoff::. And my feelings are not valid. And how could I possibly need help? All I do is lay around the house all day and change an occasional dirty diaper...
Frustrated doesn't begin to describe how I feel lately. I wish I had friends that lived close to me. I need serious hug : (


mtendere said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I knew what to tell you. You guys clearly need some help, but it sounds like he probably isn't willing to accept that. Is there a family member or friend that could talk to him? A clergy person that could meet with you?

As for the blog, I love the updates whenever we get them :) That little boy is sure growing up!

Britt said...

Oh hunny this post made me really sad!! I hope he realizes what he's doing AND SOON! You don't need the extra stress. No momma does! I hope things get better!

Shell said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry!! I know being A SAHM is hard. I wish your hubs would appreciate you. I'm so sorry.

Carly said...

aww I wish I could come and give you a big hug right now. I hope that you and M find a way to communicate about this because it is just not right and not fair.

Mrs.F said...

Oh wow I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how that must feel. If anyone knows how hard it is to be a SAHM it's another SAHM! It's a TOUGH job & sometimes men don't get that it's not just "laying around all day".

I truly hope things with your Hubby get better. He needs to WANT to spend time with his son & wife!!!