Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Gah!

I’m so upset today; I need to put this down so that I can order my thoughts and maybe get some work done today.

It’s bad enough that I have to deal with the devastation of losing my baby at seven weeks. It’s bad enough that I have to relive that experience every day. And I do! I think about it all the time, it’s not something that is so easily forgotten. Unless of course, you’re my mother. I debated long and hard before deciding to bring her in on what was happening; I rationalized it by thinking that I would get some much needed sympathy and support from her. Little did I know that she would forget all about it some two or three days later and from then on never again let it enter her thoughts. She acted like such a brat on Mother’s Day. That was the day that we were planning to announce our news to everyone. It was so carefully planned out. I even managed to lure my little brother and his wife out so they could be there. Mom KNEW all this, she KNEW that we were making our announcement that weekend because I told her about it after the miscarriage, but again, all is forgotten with her. She pranced around all day and night acting like the little Queen Bee. Daddy HAD to keep reminding me that I was in charge of making all the other kids cook and clean so that Queen Bee wouldn’t have to lift a finger. I had to deal with her acting like a spoiled little teenage girl and resist the urge to hurl heavy objects at her head. I had to keep telling myself to calm down and that screaming at her wouldn’t help anyone. It’s not like I was expecting her to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, I wasn’t expecting gifts or anything, but a little recognition would have been nice. A little bit of acknowledgment and empathy that this day of all days was super hard for me would have been nice, but she acted like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. I had trouble even getting out of bed that day. I wanted to curl into a little ball, pull the covers over my head, and bury myself. Now looking back, I wish I had done just that because now the memory of that day will always be intertwined with the heartache of remembering my miscarriage.

I thought that I had been doing so well. I still think about it every day, but it doesn’t destroy me like it used to. I can react to a BFP announcement with congratulations and excitement. I can look at new babies now and not start crying. I can watch shows that have pregnant women and new mothers and not sink into that pit of despair. I thought I had gotten past the point where just the mention of pregnancy would send me reeling. But yesterday; yesterday was not one of those days. I thought that I was just going to lunch with my mother. I was wrong. She tells me, "When we got home yesterday, your sister asked if you were pregnant yet. She thinks you're trying every day now. She really wants you to be pregnant, I want you to be pregnant, shoot, you want you to be pregnant. She's so funny." Yeah, she's hilarious. Thanks for the reminder that I should be in my 14th week right now. Its comments like this that make me want to scream in her face “How can you be so insensitive?! Don’t you have ANY idea what I’m going through right now? Don’t you know how incredibly hard it is for me? You stand there and talk about babies like nothing ever happened, what is wrong with you?! I had a miscarriage! I LOST MY BABY! In 26 weeks, when I should have a perfect little baby, guess what, I will have NOTHING!” I used to believe that she could read me well, it always seemed it like before, she could tell when I was upset or sad, but when the subject of children comes up, she gets all glassy eyed and starts going on and on about what a great mother I’m going to be and how she can’t wait to be a grandma. She asked me very seriously once “The next time you get pregnant, are you going to keep it a secret again?” My answer, “I just came down here for a breakfast burrito.” She manages to take me off guard every time. No promises mom, but if I had to give you an answer right now, I’d say “Hell yes.” After everything that’s happened, you’ll be lucky to find out before the second trimester starts.

The reason I’m so upset TODAY is I called and talked to a lady I used to work with in California and found out from her that my mother has been blabbing that DH and I are trying. I cannot freaking believe that she’s telling people about this! She’s telling CO-WORKERS about this! Why do these people need to know what’s going on in our sex life? Why does she think it’s ok to discuss this at all? I asked her not to tell my Grandma! But I guess it’s my fault because I didn’t expressly forbid her from telling the people we work with. Grandma can’t know, but feel free to talk about it with Joe in the next cube, I’m sure he’ll be ecstatic.

I so regret telling her anything. I wish she didn’t know about the miscarriage. I wish she didn’t know that we’re trying. I wish she would mind her own damn business and leave me be. The best support I’ve gotten so far is from my husband and my internet friends. Strangers on an internet forum have been there for me and have better supported me than my own mother. Women that I will probably never meet in real life can bring me out of the biggest funk, can lead me through the tears, and can make me laugh when all I feel is sadness. It is these women I turn to when the darkness is overwhelming. Not to my mom but to strangers. This is so sad on so many levels, but I count myself blessed that at very least I can count on them.

3 comments:

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry hun. It sucks that on top of the stress that comes with TTC, your mom is adding even more. I hope you have a good heart to heart talk with her.
((big hugs))

Lovmyfireman1 said...

I'm sorry buddy :( I'm always here for you along with all of the girls on GP.

Ro said...

Ugh. I'm sorry your mom is being insensetive and unsupportive.

You know that you can vent to us anytime.

((hugs)) from Wed