Holy Crap!

I'm starting my 14th week tomorrow and am officially in the Second Trimester! ::does a little happy dance::

AND it's New Year's Eve! We have friends coming over tonight, so I'll have to start cleaning and getting everything ready as soon as I walk in the front door. I still don't know what to make them for dinner, maybe cheeseburgers? I wish DH had told me sooner that they were coming, it was sort of a last minute thing, so now I'm going crazy trying to figure everything out. Not to mention that my parents are expecting us to come over tonight and celebrate with them! Normally, I would really like to, but we spent Friday-Sunday at their house and then met up with them again on Monday, so I'm kind of burnt out. I just hope I make it to midnight! I've been falling asleep on the couch at around 8 o'clock the last few nights. I'm going to try and nap for a while before they come over so I can have a little bit of energy later on. DH is going to the store after work to get me some sparkling cider because all we have in the house is wine right now ; )

I tried to enlist DH into taking some official Start-of-the-2nd-Trimester pictures, and he was game...but I fell asleep before we could take any. LOL So here are some more self portraits. I think I might actually be able to acknowledge that there's a difference this week!

You know you're jealous of my maternity jeans ::giggle:: So, bloat or baby? Or does it not matter since bloat would be baby-related anyway?

I can breathe again!

I just got back from our monthly appointment and I am sooooo happy to report that everything with the little one is just great. I am totally lovfing our doctor, he gives me an ultrasound everytime I go there. It's so great and so reassuring. I was a nervous wreck yesterday, imagining the worst, and now I feel so light : )

Baby was moving all around, kicking and waving and the heartbeat sounded really strong, so I am going to really try to stop worrying about everything and have faith that all is well. I think DH is going to go ahead and get me a doppler anyway though, because he saw how I was driving myself crazy. He said that if hearing the heartbeat whenever I want will keep me calm, then he's gonna find me one. Oh how I lovf that man!

Here's the little one!

Oh, and a small confession... I had myself so panicked last night that I took my last $tree test. It was still positive! LOL

You be the judge

So here they are, my 12 week belly pics. I seriously don't think I've popped even a little bit. I think I just look pudgy. But you can decide for yourselves.

Realizations and Venting

You know how annoying and insensitive it is when people tell you to "relax and it'll happen" while TTC? Well, I've noticed that it's just as annoying and insensitive when people tell you to relax even after the glorious BFP. I've mentioned before how nerve racking it is to have no symptoms whatsoever and the responses I've heard are:

• Don't worry about it. Just relax and enjoy it.

Every time someone says "don't worry" or "relax", I get mad. Given my history, I can't help but worry. You can't realistically expect a woman that has had TWO miscarriages NOT to worry about her pregnancy. And if said woman is worried 24/7 that there's something wrong with her baby, she obviously cannot just sit back and enjoy the lack of symptoms. Sometimes it's like I feel too good. I don't feel pregnant at all; no nausea, no bloating, no breast tenderness, no fatigue, I'm not hormonal, the cramping and Lighting Ute have stopped, and I'm not constipated anymore. Anything and everything a pregnant woman should feel, or could feel, and I have NONE of it. I am terrified that we'll walk into the doctor's office on Monday and find out we've lost this one too. The fear keeps me up at night. I hear the term "missed miscarriage" and my chest tightens and I immediately say a prayer for our little one. The fact that I have had no spotting or severe cramping does nothing to alleviate this anxiousness. The only thing that can help me now is seeing (or hearing) that heartbeat again. I've been thinking about investing in a HiBebe doppler, but thought that I would make myself crazy obsessed with it. Now I think it would help KEEP me sane. If I'm able to hear the heartbeat whenever I want, I know I'll make it through without landing myself in the loony bin.

• Just wait, you'll get it really bad later on!

It bugs me to no end when someone late in their pregnancy, or who has had a child recently, tells a 1st Trier to "just wait" when they worry over a lack of symptoms. How self important some people are! It's been said over and over again on GP and BOTB that everyone is different. It doesn't stop being true when you move over to 1st Tri. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. One person will not feel the exact same way, or go through the exact same things, that another did. Just because you had horrible m/s doesn't mean that everyone will have it. It's like getting unsolicited advice from strangers; you don't know another's history or circumstance, and you can't tell the future. So you don't know if insert symptom here will show up for another poster later on down the line just because it did for you. I doubt my little rant here will make this stop happening, but I had to get that off my chest.

• I'm sure everything is fine/will be fine!

Scary things can happen during pregnancy. Awful things can happen. I don't like to tell someone "I'm sure everything is fine" or "will be fine" because I can't possibly be sure. I know it's supposed to be reassuring, but I feel like a liar if I say that to someone who is scared or worried that something is wrong with her baby. I can pray that everything is fine, but I can't be sure of anything. Just like I can't be sure that all is well with our own little one...I can only pray.

**Addition

• Consider yourself lucky

I don't consider myself lucky. I might later on down the line when I make it to 2nd Tri (praying that I make it to 2nd Tri). For now though, no, I do not feel lucky. I feel scared. I feel uneasy. I feel anxious. I feel like something must be wrong. Lucky is the last thing I feel. Please don't say this to me anymore.

Hmm...I don't think so

but I could be wrong.

My parents, grandma, and DH swear that they see the belly coming in. My mom says that she started showing really early on when she was PG with me (her 1st), so I suppose it could be, but I'm skeptical. I think it's just bloat, or maybe it's just a little pudge put on from all the excellent cooking I've been enjoying lately. Maybe it would help me if I could just feel pregnant. The lack of symptoms and perceived non-baby-belly isn't doing so much for my confidence. I'm doing my darndest to stay positive and not worry, but I'm getting very anxious for my next appointment (next Monday)! I hope we get to hear the heartbeat this time around : )

Proof that I am trying to stay upbeat... I bought a couple of pairs of maternity jeans! I know, I know, you can roll your eyes and huff at me all you want, but my regular jeans were so uncomfortable. I couldn't take them digging into my stomach every time I bent over or sat down. I'm still wearing my regular work pants, they have a little more give. I've also been watching E-bay and have found a couple really good deals. I'm noticing that nice work pants are probably going to be the hardest things to acquire without spending a small fortune, so I'm starting early. Judge if you must!