Monday, July 7, 2008

My holiday weekend

My BFF arrived on Wednesday with her hubby and baby. That kid is so cute he made my ute cry. I was so excited that they actually came, I was convinced that something would keep them away again. This is like the third time that they planned to make the trip. I was so happy to see her; we can go a year without laying eyes on each other. I spent almost the entire time trying to convince them that they absolutely HAD to move to Arizona. BFF is convinced, but her hubby is a little hesitant. I understand why...he's a complete mama's boy and never does anything without her approval. Well, he's actually gotten a lot better with that since the last time I saw him, but I doubt he's loosened the hold enough to move so far away. They currently live 10 minutes from their house. Something that BFF simply loves *insert eye roll*.

I had them all to myself on Thursday. We went and looked at a bunch of model homes and I took them to In-N-Out ('cause they don't have one in Texas' Butthole). But for the most part we hung around the house and watched TV. A breastfeeding 4 month old dictated that we could only leave the house in two hour increments. It was alright though, while we were sitting around I made him a bib that says "My Aunt Jennie ♥s Me". Took a photo, but don't have my camera with me right now, so I'll have to post it later. I also started a little teddy bear for him, but those usually take a while, so he wasn't finished by the time they left.
This is the stock photo, the one I made is yellow : )

For anyone wondering, she did ask about our TTC plans and I did tell her about the MCs. She reacted just the way I needed her to. None of the overly optimistic crap that a lot of people spew. She said she was sorry, asked if we'd be trying again, and left it alone. She did want to know why I hadn't told her before, but was understanding when I told her that it wasn't exactly something I wanted to advertise. Other than my internet buds, only a few people IRL know about it.

DH and I dragged them out to my parents house on the 4th. I would've caught all kinds of hell if we didn't bring them over. Not because they wanted to see BFF and her H, but because they wanted to see the baby. My mother promptly kidnapped him and wouldn't let him go. No one else got to hold him that day. My brother and SIL came out too and brought their wedding photos for BFF to see (she was supposed to be in the wedding but was too far along to be able to travel safely). We were sitting around the computer, and my mother (while holding baby) reached out and started caressing my cheek. Now, it might have been PMS starting up, or it could've been that I'm a little sensitive to stuff like this, but it pissed me off. And when I say pissed, I mean PISSED. I could just see the thoughts going through her head and it made me want to scream and kick and throw stuff. She can't wait for me to have a baby. She can't wait to be a grandma. She just knows I'll be a fabulous mother. She can't wait till she can come hijack my kid for the weekend and make no apologies for it. I tried to bite her hand. No, seriously, I tried.

I'm sure that for the most part, all of these things will happen, and they're probably true. But I still can't deal with her rose colored glasses. It's stuff like this that reminds me that she has forgotten all about the miscarriage. All she has in her head is the end of the journey, not the journey itself. It reminds me that after the initial shock of it wore off, she never gave it another thought. She has no idea what I'm going through, has no idea that while I would be ecstatic to be pregnant again, I would also be terrified. And she has no idea because she doesn't talk to me about it. She has put it behind her and refuses to look at it again. This is why I was pissed. In my mind, she has no right to be so sure. I'm not that sure, why does she get to be? I read a statistic somewhere that says I have a 28% chance of a third miscarriage. That may not sound like a significant number to some, but 28% to me is huge.

When it got dark we went and watched a fireworks display and then immediately went home.

I was hoping that my brother and SIL would come over to our house so we could hang out together, you know, without the "old people" hanging around. And without my mother there to look at me with her big goo goo eyes. I got half my wish. They came over, but they also had the parents with them. Fabulous. Another day of not being able to hold the baby. Another day of the heavy sighs and exclamations of "Oh goodness, I made him laugh again! I'm so good at this!" Another day of wanting to rip my hair out. I got some unexpected relief when my brother decided he wanted to order the UFC fight. I don't usually watch them, but I did this time. And I got to let out some of my aggression living vicariously through the fighters.

They packed up and left on Sunday morning, but were soon replaced by my brother and SIL. They came by and had some steak with us before heading back to CA.

Now I'm avoiding my mother. I don't want to talk to her right now as I'm sure she'll be full of stuff to say about babies. Not that I don't want to talk about babies; I just don't want to talk about them with her.

Oh, and I've had a sharp temp drop and spotting over the last couple days, so I'm 99.9% sure that I'm out this cycle.

2 comments:

Carly said...

Hey Lov-fer
I am so happy that your friend was everything you needed her to be and I am sure you feel a little lighter for telling her what you are going through, every ounce of support helps. On another note, I am sorry about your mom's behavior. That stinks that she brought all your feelings and longings to the forefront like that, even if she didn't intend to. Big hugs! Carly

Andrea said...

I'm sorry that last cycle wasn't the one for ya'll.

Also sorry about your mom. I know how you feel, it reminds me of my in-laws. Apparently they don't even remember the miscarriage and can't stop talking about SIL's pregnancy to me.

I'm glad you had a good time with your friends, brother, and SIL though!