Saturday, July 19, 2008

20 weeks

I fucking hate milestones like this.

I should be 20 weeks today. I should've heard the heartbeat a few times by now and have a stack of ultrasound pictures. I should know the sex of my baby. I should be able to feel him/her kicking away. I should be picking out bedding for the crib and painting the nursery. I should be complaining about how the heat makes my ankles swell. I should be missing sushi and alcohol.

I should still be pregnant.

But I'm not. Instead of realizing that I'm half way to meeting my child, I'm reliving that day 13 weeks ago when we found out our baby was gone. I keep flashing back to the emergency room and remembering the pain of the loss. Not just the wrenching psychological pain, but the physical pain as well, I could swear that I'm feeling it all again. I spent today trying to avoid thinking of it. I slept till noon and then immediately turned on the television. I played with my dogs. I took a nap that I didn't need. When DH got home I cooked a huge dinner. And then I went to pee, and BAM. I find EWCM. Just an interesting little reminder that while I'm not pregnant anymore, there's a chance that I might be again in the near future. It was weird, the mix of emotion I felt. I'm glad it's here, but I'm pissed that instead of working on a baby, I'm sitting in front of this computer blogging because DH decided to be difficult. "I want to take a shower first". Fine. But his showers are usually preceded by a half hour on the toilet. If I'm lucky, he'll remember what I asked for BEFORE he passes out in bed.

I'm so glad today is almost over. I'm almost wishing that Monday would get here sooner so that I would have something to distract me from all this crap.


Super Blogger Girl! said...

Deeply, deeply sorry. Keep trying and remember that everything is part of a bigger plan and that things will be as they should be in the end. I have my fingers, toes, eye, and ovaries crossed for you!